Lynda's brother Jerry in his Sophmore year of High School a month or so before he died.
Interview Question #4 How did losing a brother in High School affect your life?
Okay, I am glad this question is my last one. It will be difficult to express my true feelings and experiences. I will do my best.
When I was fourteen and a freshman in High School, I had a close friend (boyfriend at the time) die in a car accident in October of 1974. I was also in the car wreck as were five other teenagers. My purpose is not to go into any details of that incident on this blog.
Suffice it to say that I learned a lot of painful lessons at that tender age in my life. I learned that the life of anyone on earth can be here one minute and gone the next. I learned that friendships are to be treasured. I learned that there will be sad regrets if you lose someone close to you. I learned that families and friends suffer IMMENSELY by the death of a family member or close friend. I learned what mourning felt like (I had previously not lost anyone close to me at that point in my life). I also had the Holy Ghost testify to me that the Plan of Salvation is REAL and that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ we can be saved from temporal and spiritual death. Jesus Christ became more alive to me, more pertinent than ever, more REAL and more My Savior.
I was basically a carefree young girl who was forced to mature quickly by Kevin's death. Most people were kind, tender and sympathetic. There were also some mean spirited comments (which I found out about later) which I couldn't comprehend whatsoever.
Life went on for me but I was a changed girl. I became a more serious and contemplative young woman. I still had fun during my high school years, but this experience affected me to the core.
When I was 17 years old, and a Senior in High School my brother Jerry died in a car accident in October 1977. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. Jerry was two years younger than I was. My parents were saying goodbye to my oldest brother Steve, at the Salt Lake City airport as he left for Vienna, Austria (for his mission) when the accident happened. Jerry was supposed to take the bus that morning to school (I had left for an early morning seminary meeting) and he hot-wired the car and had a collision with moving train equipment.
There is a shock that comes into one's body that is indescribable when you are told about the death of a family member. It feels like a pang of death to your own soul. My parents were not in town, which made the whole tragedy even worse. I was grateful there was a Temple near the hospital, because I went to the Temple grounds and prayed and cried and poured out my heart to God during the excruciating wait to find out about my brother's fate. That was the only thing I could think of to do while at the hospital.
I remember being allowed to see Jerry before he died. He was not conscious and had all kinds of tubes everywhere. I remember seeing the pores on his face and his arms each individually bleeding. I believe Jerry was in the final stages of dying then. It is a sight I shall never forget, and reminds me of the suffering of our Savior.
Everyone around me at that time (doctors, nurses, church clergy) were so somber and so careful with their words to me that I knew Jerry most likely would not live. He died shortly after I saw him. I was told that whoever gave Jerry his Priesthood blessing "sealed him unto death" which means it truly was his time (and God's will) for him to leave mortality.
It was devastating to realize that I would not have my brother Jerry in my life while on earth. Another equally distressing feeling was watching my parents experience such immense grief and sorrow. It was unbearable for me at times. I have always had the fear of losing one of my children since then. I can't even imagine the mourning and pain of losing a child. I witnessed the deepest of losses for my parents. My heart ached for the loss of my brother Jerry, but it ached just as much to see the people most dear to me suffer beyond words. There was nothing I could do to make things better. We all grieved in our own way. I didn't talk about Jerry because I was afraid it would cause even more pain for my parents. I have learned since then that one of the BEST thing to do is to talk about your loved one. There is great healing and solace that comes from REMEMBERING them and keeping their memory alive!
I re-learned all of the lessons of Kevin's death, but in a more complete way when my brother died. I had just been with my brother the night before. I had noticed his beautiful blonde hair strands glitter in the sun. I had just been in the same home with him that morning. Instantly he was gone. I had great regrets about the way I had treated my brother. There was no chance to apologize. There were no more opportunities to tell him how much I loved him. There were no second chances. That especially hurt! I became an even more serious girl than before and became more acutely aware of the pitfalls of life.
My family was changed in an instance. I had watched from the sidelines what a family experiences when Kevin died. Now I was living it in full color. We all hurt with an emotional pain that is fierce. It doesn't go away for years. I cried until I had no tears left to cry. I however intrinsically knew that Jerry was happy. I told my mother that Jerry was happy. But oh how wounded we felt. Oh how we missed him, even IMMEDIATELY upon his death!
The first thing my brother Steve heard when he arrived in Austria was that his brother had died. My parents sent out a Christmas card that year which said something to the effect that "We sent two sons on a mission this year". What a sacrifice for them!
The funeral was a blur, but I do remember others being kind and doing their best to comfort us. I remember my Grandmother Kolby looking at me and saying "Oh Lynda" and breaking into sobs as she hugged me. It was a tender sacred moment. I remember others just using touch to let me know how much they cared. One person, I believe it was a seminary teacher just said to me "I love you" and it seemed the perfect thing to say. I was so vulnerable, so tender, so scared and to know others cared and loved me was especially comforting to me at that time. I try to use those methods now for those in mourning. Words are so inadequate, but the expressions of love are comforting (Charity NEVER faileth)! Others who had true empathy for me and had lost a family member were also a great comfort and support to me.
The lessons I have learned from my brothers death are many. I will share a few.
One lesson I learned is that life marches on whether you want it to or not. Years and years ago, I came up with my own allegory for this feeling. I felt like I had been just forced off of the "merry-go-round of life" with my brother's death. I (and my family) were now standing watching everyone else ride the merry-go-round. Everyone kept going on their merry way. They were having fun. They were continuing the ride. Yet, they seemed oblivious to my circumstances. I wanted to yell STOP - don't you realize what's just happened? I wanted the merry-go-round to brake instantly and come to a halt for me. I wanted it to stay motionless until I was ready to get back on the ride - but it never did. Some of you know the feeling. Life races on, and the principle of "time stopping for no man" was especially real to me at that crucial time in my life. This feeling seemed so unfair to me, and so surreal. However, through this experience, I learned that there is a time to mourn. Our mourning often brings the feeling that we are detached from the rest of the living, breathing world. And then once we gain our grip again (everyone mourns differently and has a different time table) I have learned that the Lord expects us to continue to live our lives fully, completely, and the best we can according to our own circumstances. I have also learned that we need to be sensitive to those in various stages of grief and mourning.
I learned from my brothers death that my family would never be the same with Jerry gone. Christmases were hard, Thanksgivings were not as joyous, even dinners at the table were a constant reminder that a member of our family was no longer with us. I learned that a family mourns for years. I actually prefer to send a sympathy card to those in mourning months after a death, because death is still is SO fresh in a families memory even after a long period of time has gone by. Sometimes you feel so forgotten - even a few months after the death. Every holiday, every death date, every birth date is a reminder of the death of your family member. I try to remember that for other families in similar circumstances and I try to be a source of comfort. One can never underestimate how much a simple card, gift or kind word can mean to someone in grief in remembering their loss. I believe the remembrance of a family member is one of the greatest gifts of love you can give to anyone.(This too applies to our Savior).
Another thing I learned is that death is not the end. We will miss our loved ones enormously and the separation feels so bitter. However, through Jesus Christ's Atonement I have know we will see our loved ones again and we can be families forever. My testimony grew in leaps and bounds in this area and has always been unshakeable concerning Jesus Christ's victory over death.
I learned that even though we fervently pray and have great faith for a miracle, sometimes the miracle does not happen. The Lord is in control. He is aware of each one of His children. However, some families are blessed with miracles and others are not. It isn't because the Lord loves one family more, or one family has greater faith than another. The Lord sometimes intervenes according to his plan and will. Other times he does not. We will better understand this someday. But our job NO MATTER WHAT is to stay loyal to Him, to trust in Him, to believe in God's plan and to continue to grow in our faith in Him.
I also learned that during the hardest mourning stages Jesus Christ literally picks you up and carries you when you need Him the most. I have felt it and know it to be real. I tangibly felt others prayers for me. I also felt the Holy Ghost's deep and abiding comforting aid for me and my family, I felt Jesus Christ's love and compassion and PURE EMPATHY for me. I gained a testimony that a prayer in another's behalf is felt and heard by God, and the person being prayed for is blessed literally.
Through this trial, I learned to be much more compassionate. I learned to mourn with those who mourn and to try to comfort those in need of comfort. I can't hear about the death of someone without remembering the depths of mourning and pain in my heart so many years ago.
I learned to be more cautious in most areas of my life through the death of my brother. In some ways this was a negative thing. I have had to work at not being over protective of my children, not worrying when I hear a siren go by, and realizing that death is a real part of life and I can not "prevent" it from happening. I pray continually for the safety of my family, but it comes down to having faith and trusting in God. We are promised that all of our losses will be made up someday if we are faithful. We just need to BELIEVE THAT! We are not in control. Life is meant to be a period of testing and trials. I have learned that the fairy tale ending "And they lived happily ever after" is real, but it does not come until the THIRD act of the play. The first act was our pre-mortal life, we are in the SECOND act in mortality and the third act will come when we are resurrected and enjoy Eternal life with God.
I look forward to the day I can embrace my brother and express my deep and sincere love to him. I look forward to continuing our relationship as family members and I look forward to being Jerry's sister for eternity!
Lynda's brother Jerry in his Sophmore year of High School a month or so before he died.
